Intervention
by cheesysticks
Summary: When Ron tells Harry that he is at long last going to confess his feelings to Hermione,Harry ends up sabotaging things leading to people getting completely the wrong idea. Will Harry be able to put things right? Does he want to? I dont know yet!
1. Lying About The Truth

**Disclaimer:** There'd be way more than 7 books if I'd wrote Harry Potter..

**Author's Note**: This is an AU fic and pretty OOC as well, so please bear that in mind if you decide to hate me. I love hearing what people think so drop me a review if you'd like! (That was a massive hint...)

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Intervention

Chapter 1: Lying About The Truth

Harry Potter sat with the other four sixth year boys that he shared his dormitory with. One thought kept entering his mind. God how he would love to deck Ron Weasley in the face right now. For the past hour and a half Harry's best friend had talked incessantly about how he was finally going to ask Hermione Granger, the boy's other best friend, out on a date. And Harry just had to sit there and be pestered for advice.

"Should I like give her flowers or something", Ron's voice droned into his head

"I'll mash you like a potato," Harry threatened under his breath.

"What was that mate?"

"Errr" Harry said snapping out of it quickly "nothing mate."

"Oh okay." Ron laughed. "Could have sworn you said you were going to mash me like a potato" Ron saw the look on Harry's face. He laughed nervously. "You...didn't say that...did you?"

Harry jumped up "No," he gave a manic laugh, "I was just saying how...err how I need to go to Hogsmeade for a new potato masher!"

Ron seemed to accept this story and didn't question him about it but Seamus did "Why do you need a potato masher mate?" he sounded interested.

Harry's mind went completely blank and he could think of no logical reason as to why he might need to acquire the aforementioned kitchen utensil, so he decided he would just have to make Seamus feel really stupid, he started at his friend and snorted "Well, obviously Seamus", he began patronisingly "I need it to mash potatoes with!"

"Yeah I gathered as much mate but-"

"Yeah, I'm sure you did", Harry said disbelievingly" Honestly Seamus, you're worse than Crabbe and Goyle"

This seemed to make Seamus shut up.

Ron interrupted "So anyway Harry about Hermione, what should I do?

"Ron, honestly I haven't got a clue."

Ron sulked. "So what do you think to the flowers idea?"

"Yeah sure whatever" Harry just wanted to go to sleep he was just picturing in his mind how he could "accidentally" smack Ron right in the chops if he suddenly stood up to "stretch" when the victim of Harrys daydream himself interrupted his thoughts once again.

"But Harry!", he sounded dead worried, "what if she hates the flowers?? What kind of flowers does she like? Should I grow them myself or is that too much?? How do you grow flowers anyway?

"No idea"

Ron wailed "Harry please will you find out for me?"

"Mate, to grow flowers you just need to plant bulbs and make sur-"

"No you git! Find out what kind of flowers she likes for me! Please??" He then proceeded to do the worst puppy eyes Harry had ever seen.

Harry who was so desperate for Ron to shut up and leave him alone so he could daydream about murdering him and be happy again, quickly agreed then regretted it greatly when a massive red-haired blur who went by the name of Ron Weasley threw itself at him "Oh cheers Harry, I won't forget this you know."

"Ron get off!", commanded Harry "Our guy love has not yet nor will it ever reach that level!"

Hermione entered the common room, Ron squealed and toppled off Harry onto the floor. "Hermione", he cried urgently, "it's not what it looks like I swear!"

Harry hissed at Ron to shut up. "Go up to the dormitory so I can ask her" is what he muttered out of the corner of his mouth. "Be subtle"

"Guys", began Ron who had stood up, his face returning to it's normal colour "Let's all leave Harry and Hermione alone so that Harry can find out what kind of flowers.." He froze realising what he had been saying and hurriedly went "Snape would like the best..", he trailed off pathetically, his face turning crimson again.

Hermione looked confused and Harry just looked mortified. He would need to come up with a good explanation for that one.

"Bye!", Ron bolted up the stairs followed by Neville, Seamus and Dean leaving Harry and Hermione alone in the room.

"Why does he want to know what kind of flowers Snape would like?", she asked her eyebrows knitting together and a puzzled expression upon her face.

This question left Harry in a compromising position. He considered his options he could tell Hermione all about Ron's crush on her, the very fact that Hermione the brightest witch he had ever met had no idea that Ron fancied her was just too ironic to be true, anyway it didn't exactly matter because Ron would slaughter him if he told the truth. What exactly was he meant to say here??

After what seemed to Harry like a deafening silence he finally answered "to thank Snape for being such a good mentor" Harry inwardly cursed himself, he was going to have to do better than that.

Hermione now looked even more puzzled, her forehead was crinkled and Harry could see she was silently mouthing what he had just told her, trying to comprehend it. "Harry", she said reasonably "Ron hates Snape..."

Harry laughed awkwardly "Oh that! No. That's just all for show!"

"Don't lie to me Harry, just tell me the truth."

Harry did his very best to keep his face straight as he replied" Well, there's a thin line between love and hate Hermione, as a matter of fact they're practically the same thing!"

"What exactly are you trying to say Harry?"

"Nothing, nothing",Harry responded breezily "it's like this, sometimes two guys who appear to be enemies aren't', they uhh actually quite like and...admire each other." Harry prayed this answer would be sufficient then suddenly panicked as he realised something "Remember! I said sometimes! Not like all the time!".

"Harry I'm not understanding you here."

"This has nothing to do with me and Malfoy! We hate each other! I mean we really, really do. Manly hate! We're men! Men who hate each other!" Harry paused then added "well Malfoy's gender really is debatable…."

"Ok", Hermione replied easily looking quite amused "but what does any of what you're saying have to do with Ron"

" Sixteen is an...awkward time for guys Hermione. It's a time where people, like Ron, begin discovering...strange feelings...for unlikely people."

Hermione gasped. "You mean Ron, R-Ron likes S-Snape???"

"NO!", shouted Harry quickly. "Ehh I mean maybe..."

Hermione flopped onto the couch howling with laughter.""Oh Merlin! Harry I..I- C-can't breathe! That's hilarious. Ron and Snape! You can just picture it can't you! Ron running his hands through Snape's greasy hair! Oh God"

Harry just had to join in at that. "Hahah that's probably why he gets so many detentions! They're not really scrubbing potion spills in that dungeon!"

Some time later when they'd both finally recovered Harry remembered that Ron did not in fact have a thing for Snape and telling Hermione that he did was not exactly going to help catapult her into Ron's arms.

Well, he reasoned with himself, at least if they eventually got it together he'd have a good story to tell their kids.

Harry was going to go to bed when it occurred to him that Ron would be wetting himself from the anticipation anxiously waiting for Harry to report back on his findings. Hermione was just packing up her things and was getting ready to call it a night when Harry asked "So Hermione what are your favourite kind of flowers?."

She looked surprised but answered anyway "Well, I love tulips."

"Yeah?" he responded lazily "I would have thought you were a big fan of roses."

Hermione snorted "Trust me Harry, you thought wrong I **hate** roses!"

"Interesting", he'd need to remember that. "Well, night Hermione!" He stood up to leave but Hermione wandered over to him, she hugged him and gave him a kiss on the cheek and said "night Harry, do give Ron and Snape my best won't you."

Harry grinned. They both began making their ways to their respective dormitories.

The second Harry walked through the door Ron flew at him "What did you find out??? Oh Merlin, you told her didn't't you, you told her how I feel? She already knows doesn't't she??? I feel like a giant mango now."

"Calm down Ron, no none of that. I can truthfully say that she has no idea what you're feelings are about her.!"

Ron sighed in relief, suddenly a horrified expression appeared on his face "What did you tell her about Snape?"

"Oh that", said Harry racking his brains for a believable answer, "actually mate, it occurred to me that in order to win Hermione you're going to have to do something really funny and, and impressive. I told her that for a joke you're pretending to be in love with Snape."

"You what?!", Ron yelped.

"No Ron, it's not like that! I said to her that for a laugh you were going to bombard Snape with love letters and romantic gestures, you know 'cos it would be really funny, and we were laughing for ages. She thinks it's a great idea."

Ron seemed to relax at this. "Well, if she thinks it would be funny...guess it couldn't hurt. Harry you're a genius mate!"

"Thanks", said Harry uncomfortably.

A short while later Harry was laying in bed just about to doze off when all of a sudden Ron sat up. "Harry? You awake mate?"

Harry groaned. "Whassa matter Ron", he muttered sleepily.

"Did you remember to find out what Hermione's favourite flowers are?"

Harry sat and thought for a minute, an opportunity like this would never come again so he was as well to make the most of it. I mean it wouldn't actually affect anything would it? He grinned and then replied "Sure did mate, she's a sucker for roses."


	2. A Different Kind Of Underwear

AN: Hey! I'd just like to take this oppurtunity to thank and respond to my reviewers!

**AllAmericanPirate**- Glad you liked it, maybe he does...I've got to confess I don't know myself at the moment! 

**CharmedNightSkye**- Thanks for reviweing, yep I know HORRIFYING image! 

**gryffincri-** I really appreciate that you're willing to review faithfully. Thanks for commenting! 

Any comments are always welcome, I will try to take on board what people say! I'll stop before I ramble one! 

**Disclaimer: **None of the characters belong to me, though I'd certainly change that if I could!

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**Intervention**

**Chapter 2: A Different Kind Of Underwear**

"That was a strange dream", said Harry aloud to himself. He was just about to tell Ron that he'd dreamt about Hermione thinking Ron was in love with Snape when he remembered "gahh, that did happen!"

All the other boys in the dorm were beginning to wake up..maybe if Harry was sly enough, if he just nipped out quickly enough, maybe, just maybe, Ron wouldn't be able to- "Harry where are you off to?", grumbled the very person Harry'd been trying to avoid. "You need to help me think up my first romantic gesture to Snape!", he whined.

Seamus Finnagan shot up at this, "what was that?!", he demanded sounding shocked to his very core and quite rightly so thought Harry.

Harry decided it would be far better to keep the other guys out of this for the time being so he replied " Ron needs help cleaning his..his worst cape! Yes that's right it's very dusty now shut up!" Seamus was fortunately too sleepy to question this and quickly disappeared beneath the covers once more. Harry relaxed.

"Should I give Snape flowers?", mused Ron.

Harry heaved a sigh, "is that your solution to bloody everything??"

Ron's ears turned red. "Well, it's just..I-I mean...I j-just thought you know..the dungeons are a little...gloomy...and...and..well"

"Ron, get to the point!"

"You know...well...I..I reckoned flowers...m-might..help...brighten the place..up a little.." he finished looking a little hopeful.

"Ron...do you honestly think that if _anyone _sent Snape flowers let alone _you , _he would display them for all to see!"

Ron raised his voice a little and went "well if _you _sent him flowers Harry he'd...he'd probably burn them! Then...he'd…well he'd sprinkle the ashes on your toast...and then...he'd laugh...and...and...and you'd feel awful!"

Harry looked up and with a very serious expression on his face replied, "every time I speak to you Ron you rip another little piece of my heart out."

Ron looked extremely flustered at this. Harry was beginning to think his best friend couldn't resemble a tomato anymore if he actually tried to when Hermione walked into the dormitory. "Morning boys!", she chimed brightly, "I was beginning to wonder if you'd somehow managed to sneak to the Great Hall without me!."

Harry was about to reply when he noticed that not only could Ron pass as fire truck if he wanted to he also appeared to have stopped breathing. "Err, well as you can see..we're not quite ready yet..Ron has to change out of his..Gilderoy Lockhart boxers..." Harry paused, it was the first time he'd noticed Ron's interesting night attire, he quickly cleared his throat, deciding that Ron would just have to receive a beating when Hermione was safely out of distance, and continued " so we'll be down in...a few minutes...see you soon" and he began to bundle her out the room.

"Well..okay", said Hermione sounding a bit unsure.

The second he heard Hermione reach the bottom of the steps Harry whirled round to face Ron and screeched "what in the name of Merlin are those??"

Ron,, who was still in a bit of a daze didn't answer.

"Ron"", Harry persisted, "Ron, what are you wearing?"

Ron glanced down and turned crimson, but when he raised his head to meet Harry's gaze he looked a little determined, "they're Gilderoy Lockhart boxers.", he stated firmly.

"Right, but why are you wearing them?", asked Harry not entirely sure that he wanted to hear the answer. The mini Lockhart's were all winking at him and he was finding it rather distracting...heck Harry was just grateful that they couldn't talk he could just imagine the things they'd say:

"Ohhh Harry! I'm not sure wearing striped pyjamas at _this _early stage in your career is wise...seems a tad too bold to be honest. Of course there may well come a time when, like me, you'll need to keep a pile of freshly laundered pyjamas in every colour by your bedside, but I don't think your quite ready for that yet!"

"Mum chucked out all my old ones and bought me these", said Ron a little sadly. "Five galleons!", he wailed mournfully, "five galleons for these!".

Harry grimaced, "I feel your pain mate" He had by this point decided that he'd rather face fifty Hungarian Horntails armed only with a rock, than see Gilderoy Lockhart everr again. "Never mind, eh Ron? C'mon we best get a move on Hermione will be waiting."

Ron immediately brightened at the prospect of seeing Hermione while he was clothed properly and within 5 minutes the trio had exited the common room and were taking their seats at the Gryffindor table. After a very rushed breakfast the three of them hurried off to their first class, which happened to be Potions.

Snape entered the room in his usual fashion, with an extremely displeased expression upon his face, his cloak billowing behind him, he seemed far angrier than usual. To Harry's horror and amusement Ron hadn't realised any difference in the Potion Master's demeanor and was smiling vibrantly at him.

"Please Ron", Harry whispered under his breath. "Don't do anything stupid."

"Weasley!", barked Snape. "Wipe that ridiculous smile off your face NOW."

"But Sir", said Ron clearly not realising that now was really not the best time to initiate the plan "your robes look especially...lovely today and..I wanted to let you know how I feel..."

The dungeon was filled with laughter but Snape quickly put a stop to that. After he had recovered from his initial horror and his facial expression had returned to normal" Thirty points from Gryffindor Weasley, and I very much hope that will make you keep your opinions to yourself", Snape said coldly. "Everyone, turn to page 364."

The rest of the day passed without incident and Harry was just started to think everything had returned to normal when Ron asked eagerly "so what was Hermione's reaction in Potion's today? You know, when I told Snape his robes were lovely" Harry cast his mind back to Potions, Merlin knew the expression on Snape's face would stay with him always, and tried to remember how Hermione had reacted. From what he could recall she had a look of horror on her face that mirrored Snape's exactly, but he couldn't tell Ron that! He just couldn't! "Well, you know...who wasn't laughing?", Harry answered hastily. "Apart from Snape, boy the look on his face was...hysterical..". Ron snickered.

The boys sat in a comfortable silence for a while until Ron sighed and muttered "I just have no idea what I'm going to do as a follow up."

Suddenly, Harry's eyes had lit up and upon seeing the mischievous gleam in his best friend's eyes Ron demanded to be let in on whatever plan he had managed to come up with. "I don't suppose you'd be willing to sacrifice a pair of those Lockhart boxers would you?", enquired Harry.

The next morning, at breakfast, Harry was Ron looked like they were wetting themselves from anticipation. "What's up with you two?", Hermione asked suspiciously. But just then a hundred or so owls streamed into the hall with the morning post, Harry had his eyes on them and appeared to be watching them intently so Hermione followed his gaze and saw that it lay on a large tawny owl that was clutching a big lumpy parcel. She saw that the owl was flying directly towards Snape.

"What on earth have you done now Ron?" she asked sounding extremely exasperated.

Snape looked very puzzled when the owl landed in his plate of bacon and eggs, but opened the parcel nonetheless. "WEASLEY!", he roared and everybody in the Great Hall turned round to see Snape standing up, a contorted expression upon his features clucthing something tightly, Hermione peered anxiously at the object and saw that Snape was clutching a pair of boxers. A pair of boxers that were covered in winking mini Ron's.

"Oh Merlin", was all she managed to say before succumbing to laughter.

Breakfast at Hogwart's could be rather amusing at times.


	3. Crushed Insides, Distressing Situations

**AN:** Many thanks to my reviewers:

**gryffincri** - I think we could all do with a pair of winking Ron boxers! Thanks for taking the time to comment!

**Phoenos** - I'm glad you liked it! I'm not big on most canon ships myself but I still don't know who'll end up with who in this!

Once again, any comments appreciated. Enjoy the story!

**Disclaimer**: People laugh when I say Harry Potter's mine...

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**Intervention:**

**Chapter 3: Crushed Insides And Distressing Situations**

Ron Weasley was seriously beginning to regret sending Snape the boxers. Not because he thought it wasn't funny, on the contrary Ron thought it was positively hilarious. No, Ron regretted it for one reason only, and that reason was Luna Lovegood.

The dreamy girl with the straggly, dirty-blonde waist length hair seemed to know Ron's schedule better than Ron did, and Ron did not know his schedule very well at all!

It was Saturday and Ron was supposed to be patrolling

"Ron _you are a prefect_!," Hermione snarled. "You _have _to perform your duties! You _have_ to go and patrol!"

Ron had intended on patrolling, he really, really had. He only headed to the kitchens first because he was a little peckish. He was so nearly there and had just turned the corner when he came face to face with Luna Lovegood.

Stupidly praying that she hadn't spotted him Ron attempted to dive and sneak past her sausage-roll style, he rolled into a suit of armour and it smacked into his chest, the weight of it crushing his internal organs

Luna wandered over.

"Hello Ronald," she said dreamily. "I was wondering if you had thought anymore about my offer"

"Er…which one was that?," Ron wheezed with great difficulty.

"Well, I already told you didn't I that Dad's adding fashion pages to the Quibbler," She paused. "There's this article and it's entitled "Transform yourself! Flobberworm to Hungarian Horntail In 12 Simple Steps!,"

Ron didn't reply as his oxygen supply was being cut off.

Luna continued, "so anyway it's about bulking up, you know becoming like a bodybuilding machine, by Flobberworm it means weak, wimpy person, and by Hungarian Horntail it means strong, muscled macho man."

Ron remained silent.

Luna, however, did not.

"Dad heard about what happened at breakfast yesterday and we both agreed. You'd be perfect for the part of the Hungarian Horntail. I can picture it, you'll look ferocious wearing your Ron covered boxers on a 2-page spread."

Ron who had finally managed to shift the suit of armour off himself protested wildly "What?! Me?? In my me covered boxers??? Ferocious?? But that's not the idea at all! They're supposed to make me look approachable."

But Luna wasn't listening. "Just think about it" she said pensively and she flounced off down the corridor.

Ron decided he wasn't very hungry anymore and returned to Gryffindor tower.

Gryffindor's had Transfiguration first on Monday, they all arrived on time and were awaiting the arrival of their strict Head Of House Minerva Mcgonagall. Everyone began chatting all convinced that she would arrive shortly

Severus Snape was walking down the corridor. The incident involving Ron Weasley at breakfast had deeply shook him, it didn't help that Dumbledore had insisted that Snape would have to be the one to cover all Professor Mcgonagall's classes while she was off ill. Couldn't that old fool see that he clearly needed some recovery time??. Snape did what he always did when he was in a bad mood, he opened up the Daily Prophet and began trying to solve the 150 Galleon Crossword Puzzle, he was so engrossed in it, that he completely forgot to check what year he would be teaching.

One question was on his mind the whole way to the Transfiguration classroom: What in the name of Merlin's beard was the solution to 5 Down: **An event, experience, image,etc, that is intensely distressing, horrifying... (9 letters)**

Snape swung open the door to the Transfiguration classroom, the first person he saw was Ron Weasley, and all of a sudden the answer to 5 Down became blindingly obvious: _Nightmare._

But Snape was too caught up in his own horror to note the answer down, words came out of his mouth without him even having to think about them. "Weasley!," he snapped. "10 points from Gryffindor!"

Ron was about to protest until Harry shot him a look " keep your cool, keep the plan going!," Harry muttered urgently.

Ron racked his brains for a suitable reply. " 10 points Sir?," he purred. "Surely, I deserve a detention…so I can…keep you company"

Severus Snape deeply wished that somebody would write a book called "How To Fend Off The Affections And Advances Of Your Students: The Handy Guide For Attractive Potion Master's" because he would purchase a copy immediately.

Snape decided that he would simply ignore the ridiculous Weasley boy and went over to the desk where Mcgonagall had left a copy of the lesson plan.

"Okay everyone you're to get into pairs."

"Hey!," came a cry from the back. "You're not Professor Mcgonagall!" Snape glanced up and saw that the call had come from Vincent Crabbe. He didn't even bother replying.

Ron was about to make a beeline for Hermione when Harry stopped him "Don't want to get too close to her too fast mate," he explained.

Ron seemed to be thinking about this, he nodded "your right Harry, cheers I'll partner Neville instead!"

But Neville was already partners with someone. Everyone was already partnered up, everyone except Ron.

Hermione spotted this and called out "sir! Sir! Ron hasn't got a partner,".

Snape started at her blankly. "And…?" he enquired uninterestedly

"Well, I think it's your responsibility as the teacher to partner up with him and ensure he gets the same learning opportunities as the rest of us." she declared boldly.

"I wholeheartedly agree!" chimed Harry, who was grinning stupidly.

"I've never been so sure about anything in my life," announced Ron, and before Snape had the chance to so much as blink, Ron had charged up to him and was now standing approximately 3cm away with an eager look on his face.

"Class dismissed!" cried Snape and he flew out of the room.

Harry waited until most of the people had cleared out of the room before he turned to Ron and said "the plan's running smoothly mate. I reckon you should write him a love letter"

Seamus Finnegan was one of the few who had not rushed out of the room immediately. He turned towards Harry and Ron, an incredulous look upon his face and cried "what?!"

Harry stared at Seamus for a moment before answering "well, really Seamus! Here I am, just trying to tell Ron that I hope his... dove... will get better, when along you come and spoil the moment! I hope you feel proud of yourself…I really do!"

Seamus was at a loss for words. He quickly turned away and left the room.

"So about this letter…," said Ron. And the two boys began discussing fervently.

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	4. The Letter

**AN:** Thanks once again to my splendid reviewers!

**Phoenos** - I really appreciate your comments, this update's probably a little sooner than you expected but I was a bit disappointed with my last chapter and am now trying to redeem myself with this one!

**AllAmericanPirate**- I'm pleased you enjoyed the 2nd chapter, it's good to know there's people out there who can bear my sad attempts at humour!

**gryffincri** - Thanks for reviewing! I wished it was a bit longer too but was stuck for ideas, I hope this chapter's a little better!

Feel free to review, I love hearing what people think!

**Disclaimer:** None of it mine, apart from the shockingly bad plot! But you all knew that already.

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**Intervention:**

**Chapter 4: The Letter**

It was 5AM and Harry couldn't sleep. How on earth was he meant to?? If only everyone else knew what he did...If only everyone knew, like he did, that Severus Snape's mail was about to get a lot more interesting..

For a long time He just lay by the fire in The Common Room thinking until a voice startled him out of his thoughts.

It was Hermione.

"Hey Harry," she said "I take it you couldn't sleep either?"

"Unfortunately not," he replied. "I mean today Snape's-," Harry stopped.

"Today Snape's what??," Hermione asked, sounding really interested.

Harry had to stop and think for a minute. He could tell Hermione about the whole Snape-Ron prank, about the interesting letter Snape would be receiving in a few short hours. He could tell her the truth, about who Ron really had feelings for, he could, but he didn't want to. A small part of Harry, a fairly big part actually was strongly against the idea of Ron and Hermione...a part of him was..jealous?? _That's ridiculous. I'm not jealous..well maybe a little. _Harry pushed these new-found feelings to the back of his mind.

"I'm not sure I can take this whole Ron liking Snape thing!" Harry blurted out.

"Oh Harry!," said Hermione "I think it's absolutely hysterical,"

"Yeah, well it's all right for you Hermione! You don't have to lie in your bed listening to Ron sing about Snape! It's absolutely horrifying, if he was a clown he'd make children cry he's completly tone-deaf! I'm gradually losing the will to live!"

Hermione burst out laughing. "_Ron_!" she cried. "_Ron! Singing about Snape!" _

Harry nodded gravely. "He was talking about forming a band earlier..I think he wanted to call it..."Let's All Gape At Snape...Seamus said he'd have a band of his own called "We Want Ron Gone", I have to say Seamus' band idea is swaying me. If I joined he promised I could be on lead vocals you know!"

"Oh can you sing??"

"Nope." admitted Harry.

A few hours later the trio were once again seated round the Gryffindor table. The owl's arrived with the mail and Hermione saw that once again Harry had his eyes fixed on a particular owl. Harry wasn't the only one watching it, it had a shocking pink envelope attached to it and it was attracting a lot of attention.

Severus Snape did not have his eyes on it, as he had reached under the table to tie his shoelace, when he eventually surfaced it was to find the envelope lying on his empty plate. The whole school waited with baited breath, wondering just what exactly the letter said, and all hoping it had something to do with Ron.

Severus Snape had, had a few doubts about opening the letter in such a public place, but he was fairly certain that he would manage to keep the contents of the envelope secret.

Severus Snape was wrong.

The second he opened the letter a certain someone's voice boomed through the hall for all to hear.

My Darling Sexy, Succulent, Stunning, Skilful, Super Severus Snape.

You make my heart beat like a drum

I love you more than Viktor Krum!

I long to run my fingers through your greasy locks.

I commend you on your stylish socks!

I love your stylish fashion sense!

Your billowing robes are just immense

You have the healthiest looking complexion

Your sallow skin is pure perfection

I love your cold, black empty eyes

You have the most amazing thighs!

I truly, truly love your scowl

I long to see you in a towel!

Your hooked nose is your finest feature

You are my favourite Hogwart's teacher!

Your yellow smile is so divine

Severus Snape I'll make you mine

Randy Ron!

xMwahx

The students erupted with laughter. Even the teachers did. Snape felt like erupting himself, but not with laughter. He would simply have to get revenge when he had the 7th years for Potions

All morning people had been coming up to Ron and asking how long he had liked Snape for.

"It's ridiculous," commented Ron to Harry at one point "I mean it's as if these people actually _believe _that I love Snape. Why would they think that mate???"

"I can't possibly imagine why," Harry replied sarcastically.

Ron, who had managed not to pick up on the sarcasm at all responded "Exactly."

Later that day the 7th years filed into Potions, Snape was already in the room glaring angrily at each of them as they took their seats.

"Weasley!," barked Snape. "20 points from Gryffindor your constant ogling is making me feel excruciatingly uncomfortable. In fact leave this room!"

Ron opened his mouth to argue but Harry muttered "just go mate, he's fuming." So Ron exited the dungeons.

Snape felt like he'd been reborn with that infuriating red-headed idiot gone he could return to being his usual angry self. In fact he was so happy he was nearly tempted to **award **points to Gryfindor, but if he did that he wouldn't be being his usual angry self. "Everyone turn to page 364," he said.

Meanwhile, Ron was moping about outside the dungeons, desperately wishing he had someone, _anyone, _to talk to.

His wish was granted in the form of Luna Lovegood and he rather wished it hadn't been.

"Hello Ronald," she said distantly. "When can you come in for the photo shoot?"

He quickly uttered the first thing that came into his head which was, "I'm too pasty to be in a photo shoot!"

He groaned. He seriously couldn't believe he had just said that. There were a million things, a million that he could have said, but he said that.

"Oh" said Luna "Well, we could always use fake tan…"

"No! No we couldn't! My skin's far too sensitive…" he stopped trying to think what he could say to back this statement up "I-I used Harry's aftershave one time and was bawling my eyes out all night because it stung so much!"

Ron hated himself. Not only had he lied unbearably badly, he had also degraded himself a great deal.

To his evident relief Luna turned away and made to leave but not before saying "Hmm, maybe you'd be better being the Flobberworm then" and with that she left.

A short while later 7th year were drifting out of the dungeons in 2s and 3s, not far away Ron spotted Harry and Hermione, they were looking pretty….chummy, a bit too chummy for Ron's liking, so his eyes narrowed dangerously.

They came over to him. Hermione laughed and went "give it up Ron, closing your eyes isn't going to stop your beloved from seeing you!"

Ron looked up slowly. His beloved??Did she mean herself?? Did that mean that she returned his feelings? Apparently not! Now that he had his eyes properly open Ron could see Snape's eyes flashing in displeasure at him.

"Let's go up to the common room" he suggested disappointingly.

* * *


	5. Ron's Worst Fear

**AN**: Thank you very much to my reviewers! Much appreciated guys!

**gryffincri -** Thank you again for reviewing! I'm happy that you liked the letter I wasn't sure if it would go down well or not!

**AllAmericanPirate **- Well, it could be...but then it might not be...

**Phoenos **- I really, really appreciated your comment, It was so nice to read. Believe me when I say, that if I had included Voldemort in this it would have been excruciatingly badly done! Thanks again!

Once again, Comments appreciated.

I never meant to update this so quickly but an idea suddenly came into my head and I had to start writing about it immediately. This chapters a little different from the others and a little shorter too. There's a lot more involvement of other characters and a bit more of an insight into Severus Snape. Hope you like it!

* * *

**Intervention:**

**Chapter 5: Ron's Worst Fear**

Ron was bored. Harry was bored. Hermione was bored. Parvati was bored. Dean was bored. Lavender was bored. Seamus was bored. And Neville was just asleep.

"Harry, I'm bored!" whined Ron.

"I'm bored too mate!" Harry replied.

"Well I'm really bored" said Hermione.

"Same here" said Parvati.

"Me as well" chimed Dean.

"I'm with all you guys on this one" said Lavender.

Seamus opened his mouth, probably about to comment about how bored he was too but Harry got in first "Shut it Seamus! Nobody cares!"

Seamus looked highly affronted but didn't bother saying anything.

Harry kept going. "You know what Seamus I don't really want to hear it! You always have to have your sickle's worth don't you?!"

"Hey!" shrieked Lavender, causing everyone to turn and look at the entrance to the Common Room.

"Oh honestly you moronic lot! I'm not greeting anybody! I've got an idea!"

"Well are you trying to create an aura of mystery by not telling us?!" snapped Ron

"Shoosh Ron." Lavender replied. " Let's grab something to eat from the kitchens!"

Ron jumped up immediately and declared "onwards to the grub!" but Hermione kicked him over.

"Don't be silly!" she chided. "It's well past midnight, we'll get caught!"

"The element of risk and the thought of food makes it all the more alluring!" proclaimed Harry.

"Hear! Hear!" chanted Dean.

"Fine!" grumbled Hermione. "We'll go to the kitchens, but I am not happy about this! Not happy at all!"

The seven of them set off down the corridor. They'd been walking for about 10 minutes, Ron who had been seriously resisting gloating finally broke. "Ha!" he laughed triumphantly "_we'll get caught_", he screeched, mimicking Hermione badly. "Caught, Hermione??? Caught?? Just who by exactly???"

It was then that Ron smacked into something solid, he and whoever or whatever he had smacked into tumbled to the ground and lay in a heap. Ron looked up and gulped. He was lying on a very disgruntled looking Professor Snape.

Severus Snape had, had the most horrific of Saturdays.

He'd woke up late and then couldn't find a decent pair of socks, so in the end he decided that he would just have to settle with a pair of his cousin's socks that had somehow mistakenly ended up in his trunk. He winced when he thought about them, "girls on a mission" was emblazoned all over them, and the frilliness of them clashed horribly with his shoes.

Upon arriving at breakfast he discovered that most of the decent food was gone so he had to make to with two very burnt, crispy pieces of toast. As soon as he'd lifted the toast onto his plate he noticed that there was no marmalade to spread on the toast. "This is an absolute outrage" he cried aloud "how am I mean to enjoy my burnt, crispy toast now??" He glanced around the table for a marmalade substitute and quickly spotted some raspberry jam. "Blast!" he screeched. "I can't possibly extend my arm that far!" He instead tried having cornflakes on toast but soon discovered that the crunchiness was more than he could possibly handle.

After breakfast he had decided he would clear his head by going on a nice stroll round the grounds. He had just dipped his feet into the lake and was having an extremely relaxing time when the Giant Squid dragged him into the water, Snape's cries of "unhand me you savage beast! Help!!!Somebody help", were quite pointless as the only spectator was the Headmaster of the school Albus Dumbledore, who had simply waved merrily at Snape and continued on his way.

Snape had entered his quarters intending on simply changing into a different outfit when he discovered that his wardrobe was empty. "Crumbs. I forgot today was laundry day" he muttered darkly.

Things didn't seem to be getting any better.

He helped himself to a serving of Vegetable Soup at lunch time, but to his dismay he noted that he didn't have a spoon, all he had were two knives. He tried several times to initiate a swap with several of his colleagues but all of them declined far preferring not to miss out on watching Severus Snape try to eat soup without a spoon. He tried he really did, but every time he licked the knifes all he tasted was metal with a slight hint of chicken.

Dinner he had decided to skip all together, and instead he went for a nap. It was his turn to patrol the corridors tonight and he wanted to be alert.

At Midnight he hit the corridors and began prowling about for any wrong-doers. He had just decided that things were finally getting better, when he smacked into something solid. He tumbled to the ground and when he eventually looked up he saw a nervous looking Ron Weasley lying on top of him.

"WEASLEY", Snape roared "THERE HAD BETTER BE A GOOD EXPLANATION FOR THIS!!"

"Oh but there is Sir" said Harry, emerging from the shadows.

Snape shoved Ron away and stood-up, dusting off his robes. "I would very much like to hear it Potter."

"Well Professor" began Harry. "You see, we were up in our dormitory and well...our wardrobe..it-it began wobbling madly and banging off the wall!! And the doorknob was rattling and Seamus screamed girlishly! Then Ron...well he threw open the wardrobe and it was a boggart!"

"It was absolutely horrible sir!", said Ron, taking over the tale. "I-I saw you!" he wailed. "Youuuu..and...and...with...you were...with Draco Malfoy! And you were reading poetry to each other! It was truly terrifying! Made my eyes burn! I-I thought he had taken you from me! I had to see for myself if it was true!.

He paused.

"But I now see that it's not and I'm so glad! Ron screamed joyfully. He threw himself at Snape and embraced him.

Snape had not been expecting this, and once more the two of them tumbled to the ground. Things definitely couldn't get any worse. At least that's what Severus Snape thought.

"Professor I have those socks!" screamed Lavender excitedly. "Ron was totally right! You should be commended for your style!"

"This is absolutely ridiculous!" cried Snape. "These socks are not mine! The lot of you return to Gryffindor tower at once!".

The group scurried off quickly.

"That was absolutely brilliant!" said Hermione.

There were murmurs of agreement all round the group.

"How'd you think up that Boggart idea so fast Harry??" she asked.

"Yeah that was smooth mate" agreed Dean.

"Ahh well, you know" said Harry awkwardly scratching the back of his neck. "Just thinking on my feet!"

"Well what about me??" huffed Ron.

"_You_" howled Lavender "_You_! Your worst fear is absolutely _ridiculous_!"

"It's not my worst fear!!" yelled Ron.

"You seemed to be telling a slightly different story back there Ron" said Parvati snickering.

"Yes to convince Snape to let us off with gallivanting about the corridors!"

"I don't know Ron" said Hermione seriously. "Using your love to sway him...that was pretty nasty."

Harry nodded. "Somebody's going to get hurt."

"Yes!" snarled Ron. "Every last one of you will if you don't keep your gobs shut!"

They entered the Common Room.

Neville yawned loudly and sat up looking all puffy-eyed "Where have you all been?" he asked.

"Just to the kitchens, mate" Ron answered.

"Yes and on the way there Ron confessed his very worst fear to Snape." Harry said, grinning maliciously.

"Don't.You.Dare!" hissed Ron dangerously, his teeth gritted.

But there was no stopping him, Harry quickly informed Neville of the nights events and soon everyone but Ron had collapsed on the floor in fits of hysterics.

"Right, I'm off to bed!" huffed Ron. "Gestures to plan and all that."

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	6. Decorations

**AN**: Much thanks to reviewers:

Phoenos - Well, there's a bit more Seamus-bashing in this than usual, I hope you like it! I'm very pleased the last chapter put you in a good mood! And a little surprised actually! Thanks for reviewing and Happy Reading!

gryffincri-Thanks very much for reviewing! Hope you like the next chapter of Intervention!

Comments always appreciated. Hope you enjoy it!

* * *

**Intervention:**

**Chapter 6: Decorations**

Harry never had been particularly fond of mornings, waking up to Dudley Dursley's ugly face bright and early had never been particularly enjoyable, but Harry had now experienced something far worse.

Waking up with Ron Weasley's hideous mug in his face.

"Merlin, Ron! I'm not into that whole exchanging morning breath thing. Get back!!"

Ron jumped back in alarm "I wasn't _that_ close Harry!"

Harry was absolutely exasperated, "Ron! I could count the individual hairs that reside in your freckly nose you were that near me! And you know what else?!"

"No" replied Ron. "I don't know what else."

"There's loads of them, hundreds probably, enough to cover a hairless cat!" Harry answered cuttingly.

Seamus emerged from behind his curtains. "Morning Ron, morning Harry"

Harry glared "Yeah you know what Seamus!? You don't just have hairs in your nose, you have hairs on your nose too, all over it, it's furry looking! Furrier than Hermione's stupid cat, so go have a shave or something!"

"My nose isn't hairy!"

"Yeah, yeah, quiet hairy nose! Frankly I think it's shocking that you can lie to such a great extent!"

Seamus disappeared behind his curtains once again.

Harry turned his attention back to Ron "right, now just why exactly were you and your horrible features looming over me???"

Ron looked a little sheepish "ehhh...well...you see, thing is.., I've got another Snape related idea...and I wanted your thoughts on it..."

Harry's eyes gleamed "hit me with it mate."

Ron was just about to disclose his plan when the door swung open, and Hermione walked in. Ron squealed and made a mad dash to get under Harry's covers but Harry kicked him away from the bed with insane desperation. "Hermione I'm not decent" Ron squawked

Hermione took a seat on Harry's bed and took in Ron's pyjamas, "" bright orange PJs covered in flamingos Ron??? You! Not Decent! Yes, you rarely are!"

Harry grinned "Ah Hermione, I'm sure your own nightwear just does not hold a candle to Ronald's here"

"Frankly Harry, I reckon Snape's is more stylish, but of course Ron is the expert on this matter"

Harry laughed "yes tell us Ron, what's Snape usually kitted out in when you visit his private chambers to tuck him in at night?"

Both Harry and Hermione sniggered. Ron even had this nagging suspicion in the back of his mind that Seamus was laughing as well from behind his curtains.

"Stupid Seamus..." he muttered darkly.

"I heard that!" said Seamus.

"He's got big Dumbo ears hasn't he!" muttered Harry, sounding completely irritated. "It's quite unnatural"

"Big what ears???" asked Ron

Hermione got up from the bed "I'll come back when you're acceptable then Ron"

"Hey!" Ron was insulted "how come you're not coming back when Harry's acceptable??"

"Harry is acceptable Ronald. You can't beat striped pyjamas you know!"

"Yes I feel inclined to agree" Harry added.

Hermione exited the dorm.

"Bloody women and their stupid fashion sense!" snarled Ron.

"Tough break mate!" said Harry, who was sounding a bit _too _cheerful to Ron.

"What's so great about your PJS anyway??" Ron demanded

"Oh come off it!" answered Harry breezily. "What's not great about them??"

Ron shrugged, before admitting defeat "you're absolutely right! No arguing with that logic!

"Exactly!" said Harry " anyway never mind! What's your next Snape gesture??!"

Ron sighed. "All shall be revealed later mate"

Ron disappeared at lunch time, insisting that he wasn't very hungry.

"What's going on Harry??" demanded Hermione

"What do you mean?" asked Harry, reaching for the potatoes.

"I mean Ron's a ravenous pig at lunchtime! All the time actually and I'd like to know why he's lying to us by saying he's not hungry!"

Harry laughed. He decided that Ron was obviously preparing something Snape related, and that he was obviously going to have to cover for him, and obviously there was no reason why his cover story couldn't be an amusing one. He cleared his throat before replying "well Hermione, thing is…-" he glanced around as if checking to see who was listening, upon spying Seamus nearby he beckoned Hermione nearer.

"Tell me!" she demanded impatiently, leaning closer.

"Well, Ron's worried you know, about his….._figure_…."

"His figure??" echoed Hermione, sounding completely perplexed.

"Shhhh!" ushered Harry "he's a bit concerned that he might be getting love handles….he reckons Snape's disgusted, so he's cutting down on eating a bit…"

"Who has love handles??" enquired Seamus sounding very confused.

Harry's nostrils flared "You do Seamus!"he cried "Look at yourself! Your expanding outwards quicker than a hot air balloon!"

Seamus let out a cry of outrage while Harry speared at his chicken.

"That chicken's mine!" wailed Seamus mournfully.

Harry held up the chicken triumphantly "Let's be honest here mate, you really, really don't need this! C'mon Hermione we've got to go to Potion's now."

Hermione sighed.

"Hey, what's wrong?" asked Harry.

"I'm really not looking forward to this" she admitted. "Snape gave my last potion an E!!"

Harry grinned. "An E?? And you're disappointed??" he slid his arm round her shoulders "Hermione I've gotten a T on the last four that we've done!"

Hermione laughed and they entered the Potion's room.

Snape entered immediately after them.

"Potter! Granger! This is a Potion's class, not some sort of Lover's Lagoon where you can exchange romantic poems and make dasiy chains!! I think I'm going to have to-"

But whatever Snape was going to have to do Harry and Hermione never found out, Snape had just caught sight of his newly decorated room.

Banners were suspended from the ceiling containing the slogan "Severus and Ron Together they Belong" which was terrible enough but what really made Snape's eyes burn was the sight of several mannequins scattered about the room which had his own and Ron Weasley's faces. And they were holding hands

Ron grinned up at Snape from his chair, "Professor" he drawled "let me just tell you now, I love what you've done with the place!"

"Everyone out!" Snape bellowed "Except you Weasley! It's time you and I had a little chat!"

"I knew it!" shouted Ron victoriously punching the air with his fists "He just can't wait to have me on my own!"

A considerable amount of time later, Ron finally left the room.

He was just grumbling to himself about the ridiculous amount of detentions he had received, when he rounded the corner and smacked right into somebody

He hurriedly began to apologise when he saw that Luna Lovegood was the one who he'd lumbered into.

"Hello Ronald" she said dreamily. "Could you help me up??"

"Umhh Yeah, sure" said Ron and he grabbed her arm and awkwardly hauled her up.

"You seemed in a bit of a daydream.."

Ron snorted, it was a bit rich coming from her, when she **always **looked like she was daydreaming.

"Yeah I was a bit."

"I heard about what happened on Saturday night. Were you fantasising about winning Snape back from Malfoy again???"

Ron glowered at her "Look!" he began heatedly "_I never_" he hissed, straining the word "I repeat _never_ fantasise about Snape! And how on earth did you hear about Saturday anyway?!?"

"Parvati told me", Luna informed simply.

"I'll gut her like a fish..." mumbled Ron.

"I don't know" said Luna thoughtfully, "I'm not sure she'd like that very much..."

Ron groaned. "Luna she's not mean to like it very much! She's not meant to like it at all in point of fact!"

"Oh" said Luna

"Who else has she told??"

"Oh! Everyone" answered Luna

"Everyone?!!? cried Ron, sounding absolutely traumatised

"Oh yes, everyone" Luna confirmed nodding enthusiastically.

"This is an absolutely terrible day!" yelled Ron.

"Oh Ronald, don't be silly...the weather's not that bad!" Luna waved cheerily at him and began to make her may down the hall.

Ron stood in the hallway opened mouthed unable to believe that _those _had been Luna's parting words. He eventually recovered and made his way back to Gryffindor tower.

"Hey Ron!" greeted Hermione merrily, as Ron entered the common room "did you have a nice chat with Snape?" she asked innocently.

"Yes I did!" answered Ron sarcastically. "In fact, we spent much of the time discussing what ornaments we're going to put in our living room when we move into our apartment next Spring!"

Harry glanced up at Ron seriously and answered " a few of those spectacular mannequins dotted about the place and you're all sorted!"

Hermione nodded in agreement and added " You can also whip out those banners for special occasions!"

Ron glared angrily at the two of them before stomping angrily up the stairs.

"Well help you search for your future love nest if you like" called Harry

Hermione giggled

Ron turned for a final glance at them before he entered the dorm "You just wait 'til Snape and I marry! You'll never be out of detention, I'll make sure of it!"


End file.
